Intention

It is amazing how absolutely wrong you can be about your self. This includes who you are, what you think you should be, and where you feel you belong in this world.  That is not to say that I have not been pleasantly surprised with this misjudgment of myself.  Just when I thought I had it all figured out, Life throws me a curve ball before I’m even ready to step up to the plate. 

Pregnancy-labor-birth-and now being a mother has completely challenged my controlling nature.  Ever since I was a child, I have had this deep-seated tendency to play pilot.  I would say that my need to control bordered on an OCD with my never-ending lists and schedules of what must be done, when and exactly how I planned to carry it out.  I would have lists of lists.  I have not exactly gotten to the root of this behavior, but I think it stems from this idea of perfection: to reach this unattainable ideal of self and to create a space around me that I could guide, manipulate, change, handle.  I believe that Josh, a deeper connection to the Spirit, and now the birth of Storey has had a significant part in breaking me of this unhealthy frame of mind.  This new role of being a mother has forced my world to revolve around another person, unconditionally.  It is a beautiful place to be.  This place allows me to take a step back and figure out what is really important: whether it is how I spend my thirty minutes of free-time or time with Josh, how I want my child to experience this new day to its fullest, or how each decision I make impacts this life-and the lives of others.  So some days this may take the form of planning a new system of sustainable agriculture in our back-yard, sitting on the porch in the evening to connect with Josh over catching my favorite TV show, dancing Storey to sleep at 10:30 at night when my arms just can’t take anymore, or missing a lunch with my girl-friends because I know my baby needs this time to nap at home instead.  It is so very challenging, but so very worth it. 

While I have not completely given up my lists, as I think there is a good balance between going crazy and being organized, I am working on simplifying.  I have a new standard of tidiness and show myself some grace when I may not complete anything on my list.  I have found, instead, to approach my day with Intention: whether it is to make it through a humid spring afternoon without turning on the A/C, breastfeeding without a distraction or connecting with a friend over the phone.     

Happy three-months, Storey Mae.